day356. 10 50pm

by golly do i love the feeling of christmas, though strangely enough i don't really celebrate it i still really enjoy the christmas cheer. coming from an asian background celebrating christmas aren't the most common thing to do unfortunately. still i can't help but get caught up in all the holiday cheer.
there are a few things that makes it feel like christmas(to me), fair warning the list is fairly odd; christmas themed cooking shows programs, shopping center christmas overhead music, houses and city streets dressed up in an assortment of christmas decorations and the odd neighbor fireworks show.

upon some pre-boxing day sale scouting i was completely urged to buy this.

(even though i said i wouldnt, to save up for the 26th)

this will not turn into a fashion blog... i think

i think it's really nice and it was on sale, rrp $79 discounted to $45. i'm also rather found of the many shades of blue, they were scarce in numbers so i decided to go through with the purchase, when i mean scarce; this shirt was one of two. perfect fit too.

speaking of the boxing day sale, my parents thought that since we don't celebrate christmas(they don't have anything against it, it's just the hastle) they might as well give me and my brother some money to buy what ever on boxing day working as a substitute for christmas presents. presents or not, i wanted clothes regardless, so i was quite content with this, quite. though next year i would like to see our family, as a whole, to celebrate the annual festive holiday.

on the contrary, this christmas day there is going to be a family gathering, but completely un-christmas-y reasons. it's just a farewell dinner for my uncle(mothers uncle), whom is leaving for veitnam with his family very soon, a select few siblings of my mothers very large family are getting together. getting caught up in all of the christmas-themed cooking shows i've decided to bake a cake/loaf, i though i may as well since it's christmas on top of another occasion. i've chosen to bake a blueberry and cranberry cake/loaf, though an altered version to the original(blueberry and banana), i though cranberry would be a much more christmas-y ingredient in the rather basic dessert. i'll take photos of the process and result, i do doubt my baking skills seeing as this would be the first, still the method is simply toss em' together and pour into baking tray.

until next time... and a very happy christmas to you all.

day351. 6 54pm

so a few posts back you might recall that i said i wanted to be healthier or something along those lines.
well i thought this should be a good time to update you on that. if you knew me personally, you might( i hope) notice a difference with me, weight wise at least.

ever since late august of this year i've put myself on a fairly strict diet with frequent excercise. it hasn't been all smooth, there have been some irregular days or weeks where i do tend to break my diet with unhealthy foods and whatnot, though more recently it's been getting better. i would like to announce, undramatically i hope, that at the present time i've lost a total of 13kg(more or less). it's a fairly big achievement(to me) i think because there have been many times in the past where i've tried loosing weight but have broken the diet at some point, though this time round it's been the longest i've stuck to it and will continue to. i've still got a fair way away, i hope i can reach my goal before the end of the holidays.

in comparison to my 13kg heavier self; clothes fit me better, dropped a few sizes, old clothes begin to get too big, i feel much more confident, self-esteem boost. on another note ever since actually started loosing weight i've been interested more in fashion/clothes; more so in korean/asian styles, though i normally have insufficient funds to purchase clothes i browse through. although a few weeks ago i bought these from ebay.

yes those are non-perscripted glasses, hate me all you want for it but i like em'. the glasses are sitting on a cardigan and next to that is a casual vest, if you are wondering.

until next time

day348 7 28pm

over the month-gap there have been a few things i think i should update on. (note this is all going to be chronologically ordered)

with the exam period over we were left with a week of rest before our year 12 preparatory program, this is what i spent bits of it doing.

you know how i play guitar right?(this will all make sense soon) and have for a few years now. though i've decided to pick up piano, again. yes there was a time when i played piano, well it was really keyboard but the same thing applies. this was way before i started guitar, matter of fact i was playing the keyboard during the fifth year(2005) of my primary school days; taking lessons from the schools music program/course. i played for about a year to which i then stopped taking the lessons. for reasons i cannot remember. we also purchased a decent keyboard back when i(my brother also) still played the instrument.
here's a photo of it sitting in our garage, gathering dust.


very pleased to find the contents within the box not incredibly dusty and creepy-crawly-less. not too shabby having the dust all cleaned off.
though i am finding it difficult rediscovering the skills necessary to play. i'm making slow progress but progress none the less.

so the preparatory program set for the year 12s, consisted of the unit outlines and holiday homework distribution from each of the five subjects, in other words waste of time and a further delay to our well deserved holidays. okay that's the last of the school related stuff. only until yesterday i hadn't planned on when i would be tackling the holiday homework, i was thinking that i would be best to head into 2012 with a good idea of what is ahead of me, my end of year grades weren't what i expected of myself which was another incentive to work harder for year 12. so the plan was this.

the tough part is finding the motivation to do it. what's more irritating is i need to catch up on accounting, seeing as i'm only picking it up in year 12 due to insufficient numbers required to run a subject i was undergoing. same thing with visual communication. though i think i'm pretty good at that kind of subject. on that note, i have picked up drawing again; i haven't been drawing much but i think i've been inspired to do so again, what exactly i cannot exactly specify. i know i'm not doing a great deal of explanation. i also purchased an A3 visual diary which i need to complete the holiday homework.

i can't really remember much of the gap i left from blogging. even though i said there were loads to talk about. i probably can't remember. on a final note i recently(when i mean recently i mean the recent monday) got a hair cut, i forgot to take a photo before so you'll just have to take my word for how scrappy my hair was before. this is pretty drastic, in my eyes at least. but to say the lease i'm very pleased with it. very. behold!

this is probably the first clear photo on this blog of my face. if you have been wondering the mind behind this blog, here you go.
hopefully you've found this post rather informative.

until next time

day347. 8 20pm (holy crepes it's almost 365; new years)

yeah remember how i said there would be an increase of frequency for blogging, with exams completed and all. it's just that i haven't been compelled to do so, until now that is; compelled out of boredom. though at the end of this brief hiatus i have accumulated a lot things i think i should update you "rabid" readers about. which is where i am afraid i must say it will have to wait until tomorrow. it's just i haven't the time tonight. not to worry, it's not like you won't see another post for a few weeks after this one.
though i'll offer you a teaser in return for your patience. i recently got a hair cut(very different from the original) and there will be a photo. there! consider yourself TEASED!!

until next ti... tomorrow :P

day314, 10 55pm

ahhhh as you can tell by the title of this post that I AM FREE OF EXAMS! it feels so good to have the burden of study and expectation lifted. since exams are over and i have no more classes until our year 12 prep program thing i can watch all the korean variety shows i want! and more blog posts, definately.

a study free room

until next time

day304, 3 52pm

i know whenever i say 'quick update' it tends to go beyond half a page. well don't worry this will be real quick.
today was the beginning of my year 11 end-of-year exams, which was for general maths. i had studied a few days in advance, revising bits between days ensuring that i go into this examination confident and prepared, not bewildered and terrified. and it worked! study actual works. overall, i think i did very well. there were a couple of questions i just couldn't answer but apart from that i felt confident. my VET IT and physics exams are within three days(on thursday).

this is what happens to a room when it is exam week(s). though im being over dramatic heh, this is just one corner of my room.

oh yeah kathy doesn't go on facebook very often so it's very hard to contact her. though whenever i do the conversation is very intellectual.

anyway, back to studying ^^
















until next time

day300, 8 33pm

i apologise for the absence of photos from my day to day life, it's not like i carry a camera around me.
but i will try.

even though i should be revising for my year 11 exams that begin on monday, i thought i'd just pop down a few thoughts and updates. here it goes.

for one i'd like to update you guys and gals on the situation with kathy. i decided that i would add her on facebook, after consulting a friend about this. a day went by and nothing, i assume she wouldn't be online often and she would be busy with university work. so i sent a message via facebook just to remind her whom this in her midst, adding her. a day later, to my relief she accepted and progressed to reply hours later. we are message each other when we have the time, updating so on. i'm just happy i can talk to her once more, i feel as if we have so much in common. and not to worry folks, i'm not obsessed. if nothing more comes from this light friendship i am happy to be friends.
oh yeah speaking of which, i didn't get the job at Village Cinemas. :( nor did kathy(which she told me).
funny thing is we both reacted the same ways, frantically applying for other jobs. cute.

second. a couple of days ago was the last assembly/day of school and as a student at my school for the year 12s(that could've been worded better). the year 11s also got to watch this final assembly for the year 12s, why? i do not know. since i am a year below, i had nothing to be sad about nor happy about(other than progressing to my final year of schooling).
but i discovered the entire experience had a very profound effect on me. it was almost like an epiphany. there was a highlight reel of the year 12s year which they played, it was quite nice to watch, and to know i would be there within a year was daunting. i kept thinking to myself 'i could only imagine what the year 12s must be thinking right now'. because this end would mark the first day of the rest of your life, and there's the likelihood of losing contact with many friends, there would no longer be a routine to follow, love it or hate it; you become accustomed to such things and begin to get attached.
when i meant epiphany, i really did. at the end, i was thinking i must get as much as i can out of next year. it will be my final year and i must get the best memorable experience out of year 12. i stand by that. because it will be the last time i get to do any of this.
and to tell you guys im terrible at saying goodbyes or farewells, the end of harry potter being an example.

what i can imagine for next year, to the barest is that the emotions can be related to year 6. leaving primary school. but not progressing to more schooling but more or less to independence.

i would like to mark this as a turning point to my outlook on my school life. if i continue my blog, which i hope i do, i would like to write a post today next year, regarding the end to my schooling. it will be nice to see how far i have come from today til next year.

until next time

day296, 7 06pm

if you have been paying attention today was my first job interview, it was for a casual position at the Village Cinemas at Glen. at first it was incredibly nerve racking, one; it involved group activities, two; i didn't know what to expect. even waiting was frightening.
so what i mean by group activities is there were other applicants, we were ushered into a room before the one-on-one interviews. the activities involved scenarios and role playing them out. being a bad public speaker, and horrendous actor i was fairly nervous though being in a room with people whom i didn't know helped ease the nerves. the interviews came after not before we were ushered out of the room to await individual interviews. i think my interview went okay, reflecting on what i said i feel i could've done better. it was said they would email the failed applicants and call the successful ones. oh yeah, what was interesting was that they told us around 25 of us(applicants) were chosen out of roughly 302 initial applicants. i mean, whoa!

okay the more interesting stuff!
during the wait, this is before the group activities, a cute asian girl(by looks i thought she was around my age, though it turned out i was wrong) came up to me(judging based on her attire she was here for the interviews too) and asked if this was the place to await the assessment. i replied yes. i expected that would be the last thing she would have said to me, but to my amazement; no.
moments after she engaged into conversation with me. i forget what we exactly said early on, but it was related to age, names, the job and, awesomely, harry potter. her name being Kathy, there was a three year gap between our ages. the conversation only stopped when it was time to go into the assessment room.

we sat on the same table, completed the scenario and presented to the rest of the applicants, managers/workers included. when it was time to exit the room and await out individual interviews was when the conversation between Kathy and I resumed. we discussed holidays, school, harry potter, jobs, interests, music, and whatever came to mind and whatever that held a conversation. the only downside was that there were some lengthy/short pauses between each topic, so there was little 'chemistry' if you will. i attempted to hold eye contact as long as my brain would allow, in hope i would come across confident, whether it worked or not i do not know. as time ticked by we had less to talk about and there were longer pauses, long enough to be awkward. at least i wasn't doing all the asking, she had a fair share to query too. as the numbers waiting dwindled down i knew that Kathy would soon be in her interview, and i would no longer be able to talk to her. during these pauses i contemplated whether i should ask for her number or some form of contact, alas, i did not. seeing as she was not entirely enthusiastic about talking. until there were very few of applicants around us Kathy was beckoned forward for her interview, while i was left waiting, i pulled out my phone and searched her name on facebook, considering whether i should add her or not. five minutes or so later Kathy came striding around the corner with a smile, i caught her eye and asked the difficulty that awaited me, she said it was easy and gave her farewell, she looked like she was in a rush so i replied with a goodbye and a smile. as i was left alone i sighed and was left to contemplate with the "what ifs". sigh.

i was also thinking maybe my age made me less attractive? my age which made her want to talk less?
i really hope it was not that.

i'm still left wondering, should add her on facebook? should i? please give me some suggestions!
note, if you have been reading my blog for a long time you would know i am incredibly awkward around pretty girls and girls in general. and in most cases, do not engage in conversation. this felt very different, Kathy made me feel calm and collected.
i was surprised how relaxed and calm i was, i didn't stutter, mumble, turn rosy red or anything repulsive. i'm not sure if there was definite chemistry, but i do want to talk to her again. and there is some attraction there, not by looks but by what we conversed about, there's some distinctive compatibility. we thought similarly, since she is in her first year of university so we discussed the end of year 12, she thought that it meant the end of a few friendships because of no communication, did i not think that in a previous blog post? if not then i have thought about it thoroughly and we both are big harry potter fans that think alike.

during my time with Kathy i couldn't help but think some of this was fate, like this was meant to be?(cornnyyyy) but that is debatable. she may not have thought likewise, but i like to think that it was fate. would you consider it as fate? or something similar to it?
i really hope i see her again, hopefully by any luck, she and i will be working together at Village Cinemas. or another chance to bump into her, just to strike up another engaging conversation.
:/

until next time.

day295, 8 25pm
yipee! one week of school left! (though we have to come back after exams for 2 weeks of unit 3 bloody 'ell).  year is coming to a close, can't wait for the holidays. 

a very nice weekend so far, went to into the city with a friend, Harry, and bought a new pair of shoes. CONVERSE beeetch, until recently i've become more fond of the brand. anyway here's what i got.

(that is a photo i actually took, i kept my promise of adding real photos, not that its a big deal)

Yeah they're really nice, perfect fit and all. funny story how i got this, well not that funny but i'll tell you anyway.

so the initial plan was to go to the DFO right outside of southern cross station/on spencer street. found the shop(authentic factory outlet), searched the converse section of the shop for the shoes above, when i found them there were no sizes appropriate for my rather large feet. i asked one of the workers present and said their store had no pairs of shoes my size left, the guy said he could check their other nearby store in south warf DFO for stock via their store-wide database.
There were no 11s but i opted for the alternative of 10s, luckily the other store had a few pairs, a phone call later the worker said i had a pair reserved under my name and we were off! harry told me that south warf wasn't far which was excellent, we walked and discussed the collaboration for a comic series we are to begin with our other friends.

NOSTALGIA TIME!

it to our misdirection we ended up in crown casino, we only realized this was the wrong way when we were far within the casino, during our mislead trail i stumbled upon a very familiar place within crown. It was a place my family and i use to go when i was a 'wee fella'(child), it had been a incredibly long time since i had been there, coming back(mistakenly) as a more matured teenager was strange. so many memories flooded my head. it was truly amazing because it seemed as if that specific area was untouched, as if a day hadn't passed since my last time there. it was a truly nostalgic feeling, truly. i kept telling harry about coming here as a child so often with my family, i was amazed.

anyway we got out of there into the pouring outdoors and walked in the direction of south warfs DFO. found the AFO store, tried on the shoes, perfect fit! an exchange of money and shoes later we left for lunch. blah blah blah.

harry, being harry, needed more art supplies. we left for a store near RMIT university(melbourne central) and found this most peculiar art supply store(Melbourne artist supplies). It was such a cool place located in a little street, it was unmissable due to the graffiti-ed front. being around art supplies really got me inspired start drawing again since it had been such a long time, too long.
harry purchased some arty goods and both agreed it was time to head home.

after a long and nostalgic day i was home, not before seeing a cute female on the same tram.

wow i just realized how boring half this sounds, at least the nostalgic part was nice.
until next time

day289, 8 03pm

lately i've been thinking of year 12, only because its a few months away(i'm in year 11 if you've been paying attention). not about how hard i will have to work but more so mid-2012 onward. yes it is very early to begin thinking about such things but it's difficult not to. thinking about it now makes me feel somewhat nostalgic, if that's appropriate, because it seems similar to year 6, does it not?(that aside from all the stress that awaits me next year). well it might just me then. you part take in activities for the last time, stuff like that, i'm not terribly descriptive unfortunately, so it will be hard for you to imagine that.
oh!that's right i have english language homework... eh, it can wait.
and you wonder where all the A grades have been coming from. ;)

i guess i should fill all(1-5 peoples) you in on "what is up".
 
i've been listening to more of Girls Generation(kpop) recently, i don't know why! but it's so damn nice and uplifting!

i actually applied for a opening position at Village Cinemas(glen waverley) and last week received an email telling me i have a job interview, which is next week sunday. which is soooooo damn awesome to say the least. and about time might i add. dress code: smart casual, i think i can handle that(cardigan, button-up shirt + skinny tie and obviously pants(can't forget that, or maybe i will!)).

the first week of term 4 has been, so far, nothing short of chaos and terror(for most people that is, me included). year 12s have given themselves the liberty to cast an egg or two upon unsuspecting non-year 12s(personally i haven't experienced this, yet). and recently from their cars, note: if there's a P plate displayed, hide by god hide.
to be honest the remaining week and a bit of the year 12s presence should be somewhat fun. i enjoy the prospect of running for my-desire-to-be-dry. it similar to a game of tag but with eggs.

we(year 11s) only have nine days of schooling left(we don't go to school unless we have an exam) until exams. this is soooo great! i've already planned most of my holidays, to stay away from all means of contact with my friends(also stay away from gaming), it's an odd thing to do but i really just want to be away from presence of others for the entirety of the holidays. need to figure some things out.

that's enough of updating you on my life so i really should do this homework or suffer the wrath of my english language teacher. oh yeah, im thinking i should start posting photos of random crap i get up to along with these posts, this blog would be significantly more enjoyable with the addition(i think), i know i do when i read other blogs. until next time.

day284, 7 06pm.

you know k-pop? I really disliked it some few months ago. And for strange and catchy reasons I enjoy it now, only two songs though! don't get me wrong, indie-british-rock is still my favourite genre of music but these two tracks were incredibly easy on the ears.
if you are wondering which k-pop group, it's quite a popular girl group. Girls' Generation/SNSD.
the tracks being Kissing You and Girls Generation. AND ONLY THOSE TWO! Ya GET IT?! 
actually I only began listening to them when I saw this really funny korean game(kind of) show; Running Man(ep64). the girls that participated were shoooooo cutttte and entertaining.
my favourite SNSD member is Seohyunnnn, cuteness levels over 9000, though I'm also very fond of YoonA, whom is just as cute :3


excuse the absence of proper grammar, just a moment of illiteracy. just that SNSD are shooooo cuttte ;3 dammit man, pull yer self together!

day283, 7 44pm
Clearly I have been neglecting my blog, I haven't been as stimulated to blog as I once were. Fair warning I won't be blogging as frequently from here on.
On another note.(This has nothing to do with girl problems! dammit!)
I don't understand why the people around want to help me, I really just want to be left alone.
Right now I just don't want to speak to them, if I can help it. At the moment I desire loneliness, I find it somewhat nice, it allows me to think clearly about my current thoughts. 

why can't they respect that and not be meddlesome fools.

for the record I am NOT depressed! far flipping out, whenever I express somberness or blankness, apparently and that, in their minds, passes off as depression. They honestly need to revisit the dictionary. heh, and they ask why I don't feel social towards them...

day263, 9 58pm

You maybe curious as to why I have not been posting much lately, well that I can answer with an assumption. Lately I've had this really strange feeling towards activities or objects which are unfamiliar and unknown to me, this I cannot exactly describe. I just feel so strange and unlike myself when I do certain things which are unusual and, most of the time, different.

I just feel so... I don't know.
During these lapses it is as if I am no longer myself and become a bland follower of society(like most) and it's trends and mannerisms. I absolutely loathe that thought, I like to think I am a complete individual. Normally I would constantly disagree with anything that labels me but, 
I think I'll give myself that much... of no label.

I always seem to feel hatred towards these eluding occurrences. Sometimes my inability to describe or figure out what they are, the arising strange feeling of actions adds to my frustrations, it almost makes me suicidal. Though it will never be of that gravity.

 This has essentially been happening for the most part of my life, although they have been limited. This is most certainly the longest lasting extent of these abnormalities.

Sigh ... Looks like there is no solution, so I must endure.

Hopefully the next time I post, it will be of a more cheerful topic.

day253, 6 53pm

ever since this morning i've been feeling really sad and confused, and now borderline depressed.
i dont know what to do or what to do with myself, i feel absolutely lost with out 'it'.
im not going to go through the details because this is something only i understand, but this has nothing to do with school or my love life. i just really wanted to tell someone(strangers) without feedback.

great.

day249, 9 36pm

Ch'yo guys, haven't been on in a while. Haven't felt up to blogging, because I've been thinking and assessing. You know about the constant badgering of how I can never meet 'her' standards and all that folly in my past posts. 

Well in the past few days I've been thoroughly thinking about this. 

Despite my constant justification of my feelings for E, lately I've lost a lot of that confidence. And you know what? It kind of feels right. 

coloncapitald

Yes, yes, yes. I know. I did in fact state that E was different and completely adamant that I had feelings for her, very two-dimensional to think of it, but we all go through this don't we? 

You have surely been in this situation once or many a time before. 

Well yeah now that I've smelt the flowers and felt the sun(is that a saying?), I realized I was an utter idiot. AN UTTER FOOLISH IDIOT. I don't understand how I could base the entirety of my confidence of her on looks and appearance?

Sigh, I was such a foolish teenager and I thank you for stomaching all that nonsense in all those posts long ago unless you saw a morel of sense in all of it.

Here's some logically explanation... for once.

I've realized that she isn't right for me, the clique she belongs are not a particular group I would befriend nor apt to join and should reflect in her personality, would it not?

This has only further confirmed the dimming of the attraction.

I am now able to continue my adventure of change for myself and for no one else.

I wonder what the future holds for me.

Oh yeah, the most recent weekend was my good ol' friends, Harry, 17th birthday.

It was a rather posh dinner party over your typical cup of tea.

Here's a nice photo of us all. (What in tarnation is going on with my face, aha)

Harry is in the middle if you haven't guessed. The painting behind him should give you some idea of his face. Oh, the theme was formal and quirky/wacky head gear. All of us brought something that fit the requirements, I made a nice box head.

It was a lot of fun, more than I expected actually. I kind of enjoyed dressing up and looking nice.

I finally learnt how to tie a tie in the process of fancy-ing up. Also bought a tie, I'm rather interested in skinny ties, always have been now I mention it. 

During this night I also had sometime to think of the fore mentioned realization above. Being around such great people made it somewhat easier to think. Somewhat.

It was such a nice change out of the normal.

 day245, 8 17pm

I really have no idea what to blog about these days, it also seems to link back to E.

My life seems dull and black & white, I've been finding it hard to keep motivated with anything. This is something I should've foreseen, I like a girl and I get dependent. FUUUUU!

I did say she was different I still do stand by that.

But there is a sense of doubt always lurking in the background of it all.

Doubt in the form of expectations.

I find it increasingly difficult to imagine E actually liking me if it were to work out. And the people she hangs around with do not make it easier, if anything they are an obstacle. Her social status is very intimidating especially compared to a guy like me. Dorky and lame. :(

On the other hand, I must stop acting like this. This is how I remember it use to be, I must learn from past mistakes, there in lies success. Okay no more mopping around feeling sorry for myself and constantly telling myself I am not good enough. 

I should see it as anyone can have a shot at anything regardless who they are.

Again, like I always do, I must hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Thanks guys

day241, 9 00pm

I've noticed that I am not posting regularly, but fact of the matter is I haven't much to post. Personally I would like to but it would just be words with no point or intention.

Although I thought to myself, 'hey won't this make a decent post, I can also figure it out. yay'.

If you've actually paid any attention or bothered to look back at my posts of old, this would make, what I'm about to say, more sense.

Lately I haven't been able to explain how I feel, about anything really. That being school, my life and E. It's kind of concerning, it's almost as if I feel nothing? Well there is feeling but always indescribable or irritating. 

Without sounding too dramatic, I think this is the first time in my life where I actually feel properly alone. It's not all I expected.

Whenever I do see E about the school I feel elated but there is the ever present feeling of improbability, course' I still have feelings for her, but I don't think it was as strong as it use to be. I sometimes think that this is what the lack of feeling for anything stems from. I just don't want to do anything(unless it's Harry Potter related), I don't like to anything.

This gives me the need to discern the reason behind this lack of feeling, alas I am stuck with the same problem...

I CAN'T DESCRIBE IT.

It's maddening being unable to fathom my current state, heh corny-alert, maybe when I actually talk to E might just be the remedy I need, goddamn holidays come faster!

I hope this is just a phase because if it overstays its welcome I am going to lose it.

 

ps:

URGH! I sound so goddamn dramatic and moppy, please excuse me. FARRRRRRRRR!!!

There should be less of these posts. Promise

day239

I feel as if there is a colossal void inside me, never whole again...








foot note: see, it wasn't about her. seriously, this is about a matter that has been on my mind since the second term holidays.

day235, 9 20pm

Eurghargh, decided to set aside my revision for the stupid Physics SAC tomorrow and come here instead. I felt I should post something seeing as I haven't in the past few days.

Not much has changed from the previous mood of posts, blah blah unhappy blah.

I mean, I do see E almost everyday of the school week(excluding the verbal interaction). That's nice but I can't help but think that, I don't know if I can't explain it with coherent words.

In a way I feel disconnected with my, fore mentioned(previous post), 'instinctual feeling'.

Which is worrying since that is the only life line I have left with chance.

:) To be honest I really enjoying seeing her everyday, it actually makes being at school bearable; brings a smile out within ya' know? If that makes me cheesy and corny, then call me cheesy and corny! 

[Okay, note to self: blog less about her. Got it? Good.]

Urherrrargheugh back to bloody Physics.

Day 230, 8 19pm

this is uncannily accurate

test of self-worth
got this test from a cool cats blog, check her out

Day 228, 8:05pm

Over the past couple of days, coming back to school from the weekend, I've felt an increasing doubt towards E.  It could almost be described as irritation. 

Facts

I don't like:

• blogging about her
• thinking I'm not good enough for her let alone speak to her
• how down I get when thinking of not being able to do anything significant about it
• knowing I can never be good enough for her 
• feeling like this... again 
• giving up because I'm afraid that is all I can do
• sympathy from others

I hate feeling like this, I HATE complaining about it; because that is what the angry do.

Blogging about my problems feels like I've given up on everything, as if I cannot make a difference.

Which is why I don't like blogging/talking about E because, saying she is beautiful, radiant and why I feel this way gives me the impression of that is ALL I can ever do, talk about her and not with her. 

Nonetheless, amongst all this "given up" crap, I refuse to stop trying even if it results in my failure. I must know if I ever had a chance, for corny-quote-sake, for looovvveeeee.

I really hope I can see this through. 

Any suggestions people? Any? Please?

Day 216, 8:05PM

Why.

It makes me sad to think that I can never achieve true happiness without you.

Garsh, I sound real depressed.

...just maybe I am.

PS: There will be less melancholy posts(which I despise), its just I had to sound out how I felt.

Day 215, 5:44PM

Well you know how I mentioned in previous posts about my appearance and my overall fitness was a total shambles and hindered any chance I had with E, a girl who I like very much(we'll just call her E). 

So I've decided I will doing something about that hindrance, I have taken to a much healthier regime that concerns of exercise and healthy consumption. So far the exercise seems to be compelling enough to maintain consistency, however eating will need a dramatic overhaul; starting with small portioned meals. Then with any luck E will, possibly, notice me or when I talk to her I will not repulse her. And hopefully along with this I will feel better about myself and gain a significant confidence and self-esteem boost.

Today marks this new regime, Day 1.  

Day 211, 8:28PM- Clearly I have not posted what I said would have a week ago about a certain event/chain of events which has triggered an abrupt but welcome change in myself.

It could be described as a an epiphany, simple as that.

Well I can reveal and further discuss what "the event" was. This would be considered anti-climatic to most of you reading this but not to me. 

Reason as to why I have altered dramatically is because of the end of something, the end of a 10-year spanned film series.

A couple of weeks ago was known as the end to the world wide phenomenon, Harry Potter. Reasons as to why I have changed on the basis of the end of Harry Potter, I cannot explain. 

All that can be done is guessing. I suppose when an unexpected end of something great will cause you to see things differently and from different angles. Liking different things, people or discover you actually hate people you originally liked. There was a time, before this realisation, where I always played video games, watched TV for long periods of time and social networked, but now that is all but the past; I rarely play video games, watch TV and rarely communicate with anyone. And you know what? It is such a good feeling. 

Even though this is the end of such a large portion of my life, more than half,

 I have come to terms with the end.

One of the only things now I love is how I weep every time I watch the very last Harry Potter at the cinema.

It just shows me how much Harry Potter, and its actors, meant to me.

I cannot string together coherent words nor do justice to describe what Harry Potter meant/means to me. 

And thing is, Harry Potter isn't the only thing that ended, but I find it the very last time where I get see Dan, Emma and Rupert together on the silver screen...

For Dan, Emma and Rupert is I want to say "Thank you", Thank You for what you have done for me over these ten years, although I do not think "Thank you" will ever be of strong enough words.

All I can do now is to savour every second of the last Harry Potter(Deathly Hallows Part 2) on the large cinematic screen, and savour it I will...

Day 204, 10:13PM- Change, oh how it effects all. For the better and the worse.

In my case it is for the better, well at least from my stand point. It so happens that recent events have changed what I do and most of all, how I feel.

The "recent event" will be discuss tomorrow in the next blog, I'll put it as something importantly huge that was(still is) such a part of my life which has, after ten brilliant years, come to its end. 

To be clear this is not of a death, but to me it is of similar magnitude.

This has affected me in many ways, I now think differently to the days of old, I have altered my interests and most importantly, what I feel...

My mentality has also, I feel, changed significantly. Specifically maturity; though my age being 16 processing and acting seems marginally further. In that I am able to see past the surface, say friendship, and through to the bare bones where the basis lies.

Although I, from self-observation, have noticed anti-social behavior which I there see sensible reasoning. Which is I think I seek more than dogmatic interaction, that being different/other intellect, that is where I think I am.

A few of my friends have noticed select alterations from the many already discussed, which has lead to their conclusion of depression; contrary to their beliefs they do not know the meaning nor my situation. I have been in that place some odd years ago, three to be precise, but this is not it. There may be some symptoms of depression but are of the smallest and the least.

Their feeble but irritating attempts of so-called "help" have been somewhat unsuccessful to say the least. However, I do act how I was before these recent events of change to keep their meddlesome noses out of my business. Even at this age, I think I deserve to be complicated if I feel so and under the current circumstances.

Thing is that they truly do not understand how I truly want to be left alone with unwanted help.

Again this erratic behavior has been due to the end of a colossal portion of my life, and the remedy to counter-act this end is just simple mourning...

7:34PM-Love is many things, simple and easy is not one.

Recently of late, I have been infatuated with a certain girl at my school, in my year level(11); she is beyond adorable and cute. I've actually kind of had a deep admiration for her since mid of 2010, but it did die down after a few months and up until around the first quarter, between Jan and Apr, of this year. That was until now, where I am once again under a powerful infatuation and completely in the dark about her personality, her mannerisms, her everything. 

I actually have not talked to her, verbally or digitally. Which there is no means of communicating with her and without her knowing that I in fact like her. Thing is, that this entire attraction is based on her beauty. That does seem shallow for a person like me, a well-overweight-teenager. But I cannot resist, the popular myth of the heart capable of more than the pumping of blood has lead me to be infatuated with her regardless, anything.

I leave you with this, is 'love at first sight' true and can it lead to a blossoming      relationship?, because this certainly feels like it...  

4:57PM- Across the state all would know today was the first day return to the toilet-shaped facility that we commonly know as school, well my school at least.

Although this was no ordinary day for me, as in the title of this post it was the first day of my unsociable regime, in which I made little contact with my friends unless they brought up a topic of conversation which I still paid little part in.

Reasons for as to why I refused social interaction is because from the day of the release of the final film in the Harry Potter series and after the screening I watched, which was on the first day it was released, began my mourning period over the end of the magnificent series. It gets thoroughly complicated and personal after this point which is why I shall leave you with what I have said.

Suffice it to say, my "friends" noticed these symptoms as depression, in which they are absolutely wrong, which I absolutely positively refuse to inform them. To be brutally honest, their pestering of nosiness as to must know why I am in this state is to say the least intolerable annoyance.

I am near to entering the second day of mourning in hope that this does not continue.

 

In greatness of the release of the final Harry Potter film, once again they were more than able to deliver a wondrous soundtrack. Absolute sublime.

This track in particular is so...

hauntingly beautiful

6:17PM- Over these few days I have ceased use of social networking and computer gaming, which I currently feel is great. In this, I have found some sort indescribable hate for most of my friends. This has been due to a recent release of a film ending a wonderful series. I feel that if I do isolate myself from most of the world around me, I will feel much closer to the actors; whom star in said film(this is a infinitely complex matter which I shan't discuss, in case of a misunderstanding). All in all, I enjoy the feeling of no contact with friends and others and loneliness is, I think, underrated. I think I will continue this new self-regime.

4:49PM- Yesterday was the release of the final Harry Potter film in the franchise... ever, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. And it was the most amazing thing I have ever had the privilege to experience. But I think I'll make this as short as possible because I don't think I would be doing the film and franchise justice with the words I would be using.
I loved the film and I thought it was better than what I expected, I wept and I loved. It was the perfect send-off for the franchise. I don't think it will ever be over for me, I will continue to watch the films and read the books til the end of time. Dan, Emma and Rupert are an enormous contribution to as why I still watch and read Harry Potter. It is incredibly difficult to put together cohesive words and sentences to describe what Harry Potter and Dan, Emma and Rupert meant and still mean to me. So I end with a simple sentence.

It was clear beautiful perfection, I will miss you; Dan, Emma and Rupert, and I will miss Harry Potter.

6:09PM- Not two days ago was the screening of the Half-Blood Prince. I've noticed a pattern since the screening of the Order Of The Phoenix, it is not the first time I've seen these films and yet I felt differently towards the films directed by David Yates, I feel that the both of the films were very powerful, emotionally. I deduce that this is due to maturity and my age. So during Order Of The Phoenix, during the scene where Sirius is tragically murdered, I felt an enormous and powerful emotional blow which I can not gather words to explain. I was... I was... I felt... It's utterly unexplainable the emotions I felt during this scene and which I seek appropriate words to describe such a scene whilst doing the scene justice. I found the same thing with Half-Blood Prince during the utterly tragic scene of Dumbledore's death, although this time I was on the verge of tears. Strange you know? I had already witnessed these scenes before in many previous screenings but this time I felt differently towards these scenes and much more appropriately might I add. Part of this is probably due to aging and maturity. I have changed... for the better. Anyhow as the title suggests, the end is near. Tomorrow, 13th July, 2011, is the screening of the last film of the enchanting and magically film franchise, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. In certain ways, I am prepared and on the other hand, I don't want it to end. A lot of mixed feelings towards the inevitable end. I also see this as another and the final opportunity to spend a day with three of the best people I have had the pleasure to know, Daniel, Emma and Rupert, whom I have yet to meet. Anywho we shall find out tomorrow...

9:08PM - Today I wept, yes I wept. It was unexpected too. Too be honest I haven't in a very long time...
Allow me to explain this sudden eruption of emotion, to cut it short, the source of this was a video on youtube. This video contained 3minutes, possibly of a much longer video, of the final days of filming Harry Potter(DH:P2). The tears were an entirely surprise to be, but a good one. The emotion was flowing, the video had the producers and the actors/actresses discussing their life before Potter and what it meant to them, the actors/actresses being Dan, Emma and Rupert, whom where all on set of the final shot. It was all too much for me, on the second viewing I fully took force of the emotion and I wept. 
As much as I would like to talk about the details of the final-days video, I would not be doing it justice, so I shan't. 
As a young teenage boy of 16, I am not afraid of sharing this. I encourage it. I see another post in this sub-topic which I may just very discuss in another upcoming post.

Sigh, sigh and sigh.
Have you ever had that feeling of realisation of forgetting something? Well I do!
Just today I adjourned to the cinema for the re-screening of Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix, which I will discuss in detail in another post, so upon receiving my ticket I am given a roll of posters from all the films(excluding DH:P2) which I found lovely and expected(were promised during a screening of the films on the promotion) so I walk to the designated cinema of which the film will be screened upon which I am seated next to two radiant girls which I immediately attempt to keep my casual appearance, after an absolutely amazing and wonderful two and a half hours including some of the credits I walk out of the cinema, WITHOUT MY ROLL OF POSTERS, I had only realised when I arrived home... I feel there were a couple of reasons behind this. 1; I am naturally short-term forgetful. 2; I was so busy caught up in my feeble and pathetic attempt to play casual and mysterious in hope to catch the two girls attention even though most of my mind had no intention of speaking to said girls and for my own selfish reason of arrogance. It must seem silly of such a reason but a person as I am, gets attached to almost anything I hold dear or has sustained a long period of time in my possession and has proved meaning and usefulness.
There is more to this than what ever lies on the surface, I shall divulge these feelings in another post, just to keep this post short... well somewhat.
Sigh...
The damage has been dealt, which I must now feel the consequences of and learn from them. Sigggghhhh, although there is the next screening of The Half Blood Prince which in hope I can ask for another roll of posters, if successful; I will have it in my clutches for the duration of the film.

Gosh darrnit, I completely forgot to blog after watching the fourth installment of the soon-to-be-finished film franchise; Harry Potter. Once again it was good to see an old Harry Potter film on the big screen, it was as if the cinema was a time machine taking me back to my pre-adolescent age. And it was just as I remembered(even though I saw it many times after discontinue screenings), it was great. As they say, for every good thing there must be a bad on the other side, and that is the fact of the inevitable end looming silently and unnoticed in the cinema. Although it is the end, it is still welcome as I am given the privilege of spending another spectacular excitement-endusing day with some of the most important people in my life: Dan, Emma and Rupert.
Please join me next time in the comtemplation of The Order Of The Phoenix.

Today I bought the final components to my gaming PC which meant the commencing of the building, so after 3hours and a carpal tunnel syndrome the final bulky product is finished. It works with a great cracked copy of Windows 7 which I owe to one of my good friends/PC buddy. So yeah, I thought I'd keep you guys updated in hope you will wait until I get that "utmost-importance" blog out. Also when I don't update so often I feel as if this/a blog turns into empty words, a discontinued piece of work, so do warn me when that happens or you know, not.

A couple days ago was the continuation of the last-ever-to-be-shown-Harry-Potter films, and this second time around The Prisoner of Azkaban was shown. And by god did this remind me more of my distant childhood. Seeing it again in the cinema at this more mature age of 16 was odd, you know I thought I'd never be able to see it again IN the atmospheric-cinema but there I was again... Well to keep this short I shall end this recount of my past and present, so I shall see you peoples again next week for The Goblet of Fire. 


PS: 'Utmost-importance' talk still being put off soooo yah... Patience I say!

How goes it fair people? I am happy to announce that my mid-year exams are over! :D
Oh the joy! To celebrate a friend and I went searching for PC components for our soon to be built PCs. Needless to say we were successful, my friend; Harry, purchased a very nice looking case; NZXT Phantom and I purchased a motherboard; MSI P67A GD65 B3, along with a mechanical keyboard; Razer Blackwidow(which I am using this very moment).
Yes, today was a fairly good day.




PS: My apologies but the proclaimed 'utmost-important-issue' will be addressed another day.
Keep waiting though :)

No this is not the post of upmost importance, again it will have to wait.

So today, what was it? Well today was the beginning of the end, the end of a series that showed us love, loss, friendship, triumph, good and evil all compacted into a neat little page-turner we all know commonly as Harry Potter. Please come join me on the journey for the end of an era of greatness.

I went to the cinema today to see the second film, The Chamber Of Secrets, Village Cinemas is currently doing an event where they are showing all, and I mean ALL, of the films once a weekend(2 sessions, sunday+saturday) until the final Harry Potter, Deathly Hallows Part 2.

Watching The Chamber Of Secrets today made me feel reminiscent, while in the cinema the film brought me back to the moments of my childhood where I was captivated by this truly magical story. And watching, knowing these films will never be shown again on the 'big screen meant a great deal to me. Throughout most of the film my attention was focused on Dan, Emma and Rupert, they are the deliverers great performance and the standards of Harry Potter. 

I grew up with these amazing actors, and they make me strive to be a better person as they are which is why I will never forget what Dan, Emma and Rupert have given me mentally which I will never stop cherishing and continuing to love and beyond when the red curtain finally eclipses the screen. 

I know I promised the oh-so important blog but it can wait. I've been so distracted lately, what with exams and all. Also I've stumbled upon an absolutely hilarity-ensuing sitcom entitled 'Community', I've found myself watching episode after episode. Ugh it's soooo goddamn hilarious. Anyway back to study... 

Sigh, for some reason I feel a burning hatred for so many people because of what they do( this isn't regarding specific people). What's the word for it? Uh... meh, just what people do these days infuriate me!
... what a waste of a post...


Next post will be of the matter I spoke of at the end of my previous post(before this one).
Which is, I feel, the upmost importance right now...

The weeks of intense mid-year-VCE-exam study are now upon us and everybody seem to be studying hours on end. To be honest I don't see the exams as "death sentence" as most seem to be interpreting it. I mean I am doing some difficult subjects, but I just don't see they point in studying to the point of insanity, which in some cases are on the verge of it. 

I have a worked out method of studying(which I have been using since the inception of the idea), instead of depriving myself of leisure, like most are, I decide to juggle between study and free-time which is working out very well might I add.

Also declaring the duration of your study session or posting photographs of your desk covered in clutters of notes does not mean you are smart or at all studying effectively! 

Well all I will say is they will burn out eventually, studying and leaving not time to yourself has proved consequential in the past. 

I am positive I am going to pass and ace(some) of my exams, and I'll do it without tiring myself out also without being arrogant about studying or exams in general.

...urgh theres also some other stuff I'd like to get off my mind but I'll spend another blog doing it...

-endl; 

pretty cool, last day of class for two weeks, which is when exams take place. I've got the first three days of exam-week off until I am under fire from exams!


On another note, I'm really getting annoyed with my habits which I have noticed for sometime now. Again I take no part in trying to refine! Grr! Whether it be day-to-day things or, only until recently, having(sort of?) a crush! an infatuation! about a girl I don't even talk to! This is probably the worst trait I possess... which always pops up now and again.
Gah! I need to rethink my life.


-endl;

Cor blimey! The week of study is already upon us and the examinations the following week :S I'll probably juggle between study and leisure to maintain my sanity. Study study, blog blog, stuff stuff.


PS: This bloggin' business is a coming to be a great distraction and addictive.


-endl;