day241, 9 00pm

I've noticed that I am not posting regularly, but fact of the matter is I haven't much to post. Personally I would like to but it would just be words with no point or intention.

Although I thought to myself, 'hey won't this make a decent post, I can also figure it out. yay'.

If you've actually paid any attention or bothered to look back at my posts of old, this would make, what I'm about to say, more sense.

Lately I haven't been able to explain how I feel, about anything really. That being school, my life and E. It's kind of concerning, it's almost as if I feel nothing? Well there is feeling but always indescribable or irritating. 

Without sounding too dramatic, I think this is the first time in my life where I actually feel properly alone. It's not all I expected.

Whenever I do see E about the school I feel elated but there is the ever present feeling of improbability, course' I still have feelings for her, but I don't think it was as strong as it use to be. I sometimes think that this is what the lack of feeling for anything stems from. I just don't want to do anything(unless it's Harry Potter related), I don't like to anything.

This gives me the need to discern the reason behind this lack of feeling, alas I am stuck with the same problem...

I CAN'T DESCRIBE IT.

It's maddening being unable to fathom my current state, heh corny-alert, maybe when I actually talk to E might just be the remedy I need, goddamn holidays come faster!

I hope this is just a phase because if it overstays its welcome I am going to lose it.

 

ps:

URGH! I sound so goddamn dramatic and moppy, please excuse me. FARRRRRRRRR!!!

There should be less of these posts. Promise

day239

I feel as if there is a colossal void inside me, never whole again...








foot note: see, it wasn't about her. seriously, this is about a matter that has been on my mind since the second term holidays.

day235, 9 20pm

Eurghargh, decided to set aside my revision for the stupid Physics SAC tomorrow and come here instead. I felt I should post something seeing as I haven't in the past few days.

Not much has changed from the previous mood of posts, blah blah unhappy blah.

I mean, I do see E almost everyday of the school week(excluding the verbal interaction). That's nice but I can't help but think that, I don't know if I can't explain it with coherent words.

In a way I feel disconnected with my, fore mentioned(previous post), 'instinctual feeling'.

Which is worrying since that is the only life line I have left with chance.

:) To be honest I really enjoying seeing her everyday, it actually makes being at school bearable; brings a smile out within ya' know? If that makes me cheesy and corny, then call me cheesy and corny! 

[Okay, note to self: blog less about her. Got it? Good.]

Urherrrargheugh back to bloody Physics.

Day 230, 8 19pm

this is uncannily accurate

test of self-worth
got this test from a cool cats blog, check her out

Day 228, 8:05pm

Over the past couple of days, coming back to school from the weekend, I've felt an increasing doubt towards E.  It could almost be described as irritation. 

Facts

I don't like:

• blogging about her
• thinking I'm not good enough for her let alone speak to her
• how down I get when thinking of not being able to do anything significant about it
• knowing I can never be good enough for her 
• feeling like this... again 
• giving up because I'm afraid that is all I can do
• sympathy from others

I hate feeling like this, I HATE complaining about it; because that is what the angry do.

Blogging about my problems feels like I've given up on everything, as if I cannot make a difference.

Which is why I don't like blogging/talking about E because, saying she is beautiful, radiant and why I feel this way gives me the impression of that is ALL I can ever do, talk about her and not with her. 

Nonetheless, amongst all this "given up" crap, I refuse to stop trying even if it results in my failure. I must know if I ever had a chance, for corny-quote-sake, for looovvveeeee.

I really hope I can see this through. 

Any suggestions people? Any? Please?

Day 216, 8:05PM

Why.

It makes me sad to think that I can never achieve true happiness without you.

Garsh, I sound real depressed.

...just maybe I am.

PS: There will be less melancholy posts(which I despise), its just I had to sound out how I felt.

Day 215, 5:44PM

Well you know how I mentioned in previous posts about my appearance and my overall fitness was a total shambles and hindered any chance I had with E, a girl who I like very much(we'll just call her E). 

So I've decided I will doing something about that hindrance, I have taken to a much healthier regime that concerns of exercise and healthy consumption. So far the exercise seems to be compelling enough to maintain consistency, however eating will need a dramatic overhaul; starting with small portioned meals. Then with any luck E will, possibly, notice me or when I talk to her I will not repulse her. And hopefully along with this I will feel better about myself and gain a significant confidence and self-esteem boost.

Today marks this new regime, Day 1.