day263, 9 58pm

You maybe curious as to why I have not been posting much lately, well that I can answer with an assumption. Lately I've had this really strange feeling towards activities or objects which are unfamiliar and unknown to me, this I cannot exactly describe. I just feel so strange and unlike myself when I do certain things which are unusual and, most of the time, different.

I just feel so... I don't know.
During these lapses it is as if I am no longer myself and become a bland follower of society(like most) and it's trends and mannerisms. I absolutely loathe that thought, I like to think I am a complete individual. Normally I would constantly disagree with anything that labels me but, 
I think I'll give myself that much... of no label.

I always seem to feel hatred towards these eluding occurrences. Sometimes my inability to describe or figure out what they are, the arising strange feeling of actions adds to my frustrations, it almost makes me suicidal. Though it will never be of that gravity.

 This has essentially been happening for the most part of my life, although they have been limited. This is most certainly the longest lasting extent of these abnormalities.

Sigh ... Looks like there is no solution, so I must endure.

Hopefully the next time I post, it will be of a more cheerful topic.

day253, 6 53pm

ever since this morning i've been feeling really sad and confused, and now borderline depressed.
i dont know what to do or what to do with myself, i feel absolutely lost with out 'it'.
im not going to go through the details because this is something only i understand, but this has nothing to do with school or my love life. i just really wanted to tell someone(strangers) without feedback.

great.

day249, 9 36pm

Ch'yo guys, haven't been on in a while. Haven't felt up to blogging, because I've been thinking and assessing. You know about the constant badgering of how I can never meet 'her' standards and all that folly in my past posts. 

Well in the past few days I've been thoroughly thinking about this. 

Despite my constant justification of my feelings for E, lately I've lost a lot of that confidence. And you know what? It kind of feels right. 

coloncapitald

Yes, yes, yes. I know. I did in fact state that E was different and completely adamant that I had feelings for her, very two-dimensional to think of it, but we all go through this don't we? 

You have surely been in this situation once or many a time before. 

Well yeah now that I've smelt the flowers and felt the sun(is that a saying?), I realized I was an utter idiot. AN UTTER FOOLISH IDIOT. I don't understand how I could base the entirety of my confidence of her on looks and appearance?

Sigh, I was such a foolish teenager and I thank you for stomaching all that nonsense in all those posts long ago unless you saw a morel of sense in all of it.

Here's some logically explanation... for once.

I've realized that she isn't right for me, the clique she belongs are not a particular group I would befriend nor apt to join and should reflect in her personality, would it not?

This has only further confirmed the dimming of the attraction.

I am now able to continue my adventure of change for myself and for no one else.

I wonder what the future holds for me.

Oh yeah, the most recent weekend was my good ol' friends, Harry, 17th birthday.

It was a rather posh dinner party over your typical cup of tea.

Here's a nice photo of us all. (What in tarnation is going on with my face, aha)

Harry is in the middle if you haven't guessed. The painting behind him should give you some idea of his face. Oh, the theme was formal and quirky/wacky head gear. All of us brought something that fit the requirements, I made a nice box head.

It was a lot of fun, more than I expected actually. I kind of enjoyed dressing up and looking nice.

I finally learnt how to tie a tie in the process of fancy-ing up. Also bought a tie, I'm rather interested in skinny ties, always have been now I mention it. 

During this night I also had sometime to think of the fore mentioned realization above. Being around such great people made it somewhat easier to think. Somewhat.

It was such a nice change out of the normal.

 day245, 8 17pm

I really have no idea what to blog about these days, it also seems to link back to E.

My life seems dull and black & white, I've been finding it hard to keep motivated with anything. This is something I should've foreseen, I like a girl and I get dependent. FUUUUU!

I did say she was different I still do stand by that.

But there is a sense of doubt always lurking in the background of it all.

Doubt in the form of expectations.

I find it increasingly difficult to imagine E actually liking me if it were to work out. And the people she hangs around with do not make it easier, if anything they are an obstacle. Her social status is very intimidating especially compared to a guy like me. Dorky and lame. :(

On the other hand, I must stop acting like this. This is how I remember it use to be, I must learn from past mistakes, there in lies success. Okay no more mopping around feeling sorry for myself and constantly telling myself I am not good enough. 

I should see it as anyone can have a shot at anything regardless who they are.

Again, like I always do, I must hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Thanks guys